Lost and Profound

I'm staring at the screen like there weren't a half dozen things I wanted to write about 20 minutes ago. But I took a shower and thought all my thoughts so now they're gone. Trying to retrieve them is going to feel forced but so much of what has been on my mind lately is cyclical, so it's going to come back anyways.  This blog is something I've absolutely failed at maintaining, largely due to indecision, and avoidance. I know that I can't write without talking about my feelings because that's quite the point of it, but my feelings are often sad and I'm VERY good at crying, so I try not to be which also means trying to avoid my feelings. Making decisions is something else I'm very good at, which I hate because I hate making decisions but it seems that many of those in my bubble are very bad at it which means I have to. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to always have the answers, or the final say. There's no mystery in it. No pe...

I've been hesitating to write down my feelings regarding these last few months. Mainly because it's like unpacking something you've been trying to put away, and living through it all over again, intentionally. Although, it would happen either way so I suppose choosing to write is giving me some control over the inevitable flood of emotion. There's no feeling more terrible than grief and I've had my heart shattered on numerous occasions. I'd choose that agony over this emptiness.   The unexpectedness is, I think, the hardest pill to swallow. There's no preparation, no closure, and so many questions. There's the guilt for all the things I didn't do, didn't say, or didn't ask. Guilt clinging to the moments where I'm trying to feel normal because it isn't fair that I get to be here and he doesn't. Someone who was so Loved by so many, despite his long term struggle for balance and security. He's remembered for the way he made peopl...