It's All Already Known

I'm staring at the screen like there weren't a half dozen things I wanted to write about 20 minutes ago. But I took a shower and thought all my thoughts so now they're gone. Trying to retrieve them is going to feel forced but so much of what has been on my mind lately is cyclical, so it's going to come back anyways. 

This blog is something I've absolutely failed at maintaining, largely due to indecision, and avoidance. I know that I can't write without talking about my feelings because that's quite the point of it, but my feelings are often sad and I'm VERY good at crying, so I try not to be which also means trying to avoid my feelings. Making decisions is something else I'm very good at, which I hate because I hate making decisions but it seems that many of those in my bubble are very bad at it which means I have to. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to always have the answers, or the final say. There's no mystery in it. No peace. No going along with the flow, it's all already known. Everything is so predictable, and when it's not it's devastating. SUPER. Where's the fucking balance? 

But, hey, I finally made the decision to write again. These present thoughts feel pointless but it'll go somewhere, probably. Something needs to. I can't stay in this place I've been, in my head and my heart. This feeling that's been crushing me for months has me remembering the familiarity of pain from past struggles and traumas, things I should probably write about at some point because the truth of my experiences lives only in my mind and it's not healing me from there. 

Possible themes for future posts:
Self-worth
Narcissist's and their narratives
Aurora
Dancing
Family dynamics
Love, always Love.